Tag Archives: funny

selections from Benvenuto Cellini’s autobiography

I intend to tell the story of my life with a certain amount of pride Continue reading

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selections from The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Spark

“It’s only possible to betray where loyalty is due,” said Sandy. Continue reading

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selections from Elizabeth Kolbert’s The Sixth Extinction: An Unnatural History (2014)

“In life, as in mutual funds, past performance is no guarantee of future results.” Continue reading

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selections from The Invisible Man by H. G. Wells

clock-jobber (n.) clock repairman. At four o’clock, when it was fairly dark and Mrs. Hall was screwing up her courage to go in and ask her visitor if he would take some tea, Teddy Henfrey, the clock-jobber, came into the … Continue reading

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introducing ronny the bad vegetarian

i ate a hot dog today.

yesterday i ate a cup of noodles with three or four teeny tiny shrimp in it.

bloody thursday i ate a slice of bacon and some quail.

wednesday evening i ate a couple slices of prosciutto and a 1.5 pound Lassen trout.

tuesday evening i ate a handful of mini hot dogs.

in the past week, at least 10 animals had to die to keep me alive.

isn’t that funny?

that’s funny.

death is funny.

death is funny when it’s not happening to you. Continue reading

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Crush on You

“sometimes you’re SO ANNOYING to talk to. it’s like having a conversation w Yoda.”

the best compliment i’ve received in awhile? maybe not.

yesterday i sat at my computer in the late morning, working on whatever, when my coworker Danielle walked up and handed me a brown paper bag. she said, “this is for ‘the guy w the luscious lock.'” she had a huge smile on her face and a cup of Philz coffee in her hand. inside the bag, i found a scone.

“dear god,” i said, “Torrey?” Danielle laughed in affirmation. christ… the girl had been working at the coffee shop for a long while, and we’d always been friendly, but this was too much! i have a girlfriend and she needs to know it right away. after freaking out for a bit, another coworker told me that he had already told her the all-important fact, so i could chill.

phew, sometimes compliments can be stressful.

earlier this week, i’d asked Meryl whether i was turning into a douchebag. my evidence basically came down to the every day increasing number of photos of me posing in sunglasses and next to disco balls, in addition to the fact that i now manage a facebook page 100% devoted to my dj persona. (christ, i almost feel like there’s a rule that anybody who uses the phrase “dj person” automatically qualifies as a douchebag.) in any case, Meryl assuaged my anxiety by saying that my very asking the question probably means that i’m okay.

this post perhaps argues otherwise.

after all, what’s more conceited than a ton of boasting immediately followed by self-deprecation? Continue reading

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chasing a sugar high

sometimes, during my daily naps w mama, i would sneak to the kitchen, open the sugar bowl, and stuff a spoonful in my mouth.

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my childhood memory illustrated by Postcards From My Childhood. Continue reading

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favorites from Hatch’s Order of Magnitude: Methodical Rankings of the Commonplace and the Incredible for Daily Reference by a Man of Extraordinary Genius and Impeccable Taste

Degrees of Life Milestones, In order of importance from least to greatest (37)

  1. Birthday
  2. Anniversary
  3. Sweet 16
  4. Driver’s license
  5. Twenty-first birthday
  6. Third marriage/life partnership ceremony/ordination
  7. Graduation (middle/secondary school)
  8. Over-the-hill party
  9. Coming-of-age ceremony (Bar Mitzvah, Quinceañera, debutatante ball, Kovave)
  10. Graduation (high school)
  11. Second marriage/life partnership ceremony/ordination
  12. Graduation (college)
  13. Retirement party
  14. Graduation (Master’s degree)
  15. Graduation (doctorate)
  16. First marriage/life partnership ceremony/ordination
  17. World-class achievement (Nobel Prize, Oscar, Fields Medal, Pulitzer, Olympic Gold Medal, Super Bowl Championship)
  18. Coronation/taking presidential oath of office
  19. Death and funeral
  20. Birth
  21. Birth of one’s own child
  22. Apotheosis

Sex by Voracity (40)

  1. Make sweet, sweet love
  2. Make love
  3. Do it
  4. Have sex
  5. Pork
  6. Fuck
  7. Bang
  8. Rail
  9. Ravage

Happiness to Sadness, as Expressed in Emoticons (57)

  1. :.D
  2. :.)
  3. =D
  4. :D
  5. =)
  6. :)
  7. :P
  8. :|
  9. :\
  10. :s
  11. :(
  12. :.(
  13. D.:

The Obscenity Continuum (68)

  1. Darn
  2. Damn
  3. Ass
  4. Dick
  5. Pussy
  6. Cock
  7. Shit
  8. Fuck
  9. Cunt
  10. Ethnic-specific term with negative connotation

Instant Messenger Laughs (73)

  1. eh
  2. heh
  3. ha
  4. hah
  5. haha
  6. lol
  7. Lol
  8. LOL
  9. LOL!
  10. LOLOLOL
  11. LOLLOLOOOLLASDFSDFlfdsjkalhk!!!!!
  12. LMAO
  13. LMFAO
  14. ROFL
  15. Roflcopter
  16. ROFLMAO
  17. ROFLMFAO

Digits in Order of Expendability (78)

  1. Little toe
  2. #4 toe
  3. #3 toe
  4. #2 toe
  5. Pinkie
  6. Ring finger
  7. Middle finger
  8. Big toe/great toe/hallux
  9. Index finger
  10. Thumb
  11. Penis

Breast Size (78)

  1. Mosquito bite
  2. Tittles
  3. Miglins
  4. Nuglins
  5. Titties
  6. Tits
  7. Boobs
  8. Hooters
  9. Perfect
  10. Melons
  11. Gazongas
  12. Boulders

It Does Matter: Penis Size (78)

  1. Clitoris
  2. Peepee
  3. Willie
  4. Prick
  5. Schlort
  6. Wand
  7. Weiner
  8. Ding-dong
  9. Penis
  10. Wang
  11. Dick
  12. Johnson
  13. Package
  14. Cock
  15. Schlong
  16. Meat
  17. Slab
  18. Thud
  19. Third leg

Degrees of Self-Proclaimed Restaurant Notoriety (86)

  1. World Famous

The Cartoon Hierarchy of Intimidation (107)

  1. Mouse
  2. Cat
  3. Dog
  4. Lion
  5. Elephant
  6. Mouse

Continue reading

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a perfect ten

in less than a hundred hours, i’ve watched ten movies.

Yol (Turkish for “The Road” or “The Way”) is a 1982 Yılmaz Güney film that portrays Turkey through the stories of five prisoners given a week’s home leave. probably not coincidentally, Güney himself was in prison in Turkey at the time of the film’s shooting; he somehow escaped (i guess that whole “prisoner on leave” thing don’t work so well) to Switzerland, where he edited the final piece together himself from the film negatives.

phew.

you think that’s a mindful? the film is set in the aftermath of the 1980 Turkish coup d’état, so you can imagine how happy the movie really is. unhappy accidents befall men w nothing, families see themselves disgraced and bloodied, families tear themselves asunder from the inside out… and a horse fucking collapses in a snowy valley to be left for the wolves. he isn’t the only one.

7/10 because it’s good to learn new appreciation for your own free life.

Black Panthers (later renamed Huey) is a 1968 Agnès Varda documentary and short film. It examines the Black Panther Party through the “Free Huey” rallies assembled in Oakland, CA while the party’s co-founder Huey P. Newton was held in court for the fatal shooting of Oakland Police Department officer John Frey.

the narrator (Agnès?) had a cute voice. Huey was charged w voluntary manslaughter. neither point matters much.

7/10 because a French girl only needed 30 minutes to teach me a lot about racial tensions in 60s USA.

The Order of Myths is a 2008 Margaret Brown documentary film examining the Mobile, AL Mardi Gras celebrations—the oldest in this country—through the separate mystic societies established and maintained by black and white groups, acknowledging the complex racial history of a city with a slaveholding past.

the black queen’s family literally came to Mobile on a slave ship owned by an ancestor of the white queen… in a time when the slave trade, though not slavery, was already prohibited! complex as fuck.

7/10 because i value edutainment glazed with a maddening final line.

Lions Love is a 1969 Agnès Varda experimental film and epochal look at America in 1968: a meditation on freedom, fantasy, decadence, and the Summer of Love going sour.

no but really it’s just a bunch of artsy fucks (mainly the three above, who are in a beautiful relationship, or something) speaking “poetry,” singing, dancing, humming and being cool in a fancy house in LA. sounds familiar? maybe it sounds like your life.

here are a few of my favorite quotes from the film:

“i hate all forms of entertainment, including living.”

“a sharp mind is the death of love.”

“let’s stop fucking and have a cosmic climax.”

3/10 because three is the perfect number.

The Pajama Game is a 1957 musical film based on the stage musical of the same name, in turn based on the novel 7½ Cents by Richard Bissell. the principal cast of the Broadway musical repeated their roles for the movie, with the exception of Janis Paige, who was replaced by Doris Day.

Doris Day, or Babe Williams in the film, is super sexy, and all the men in the world (plus probably some women) want to stare at her ass (as shown above). one of the men, the leading dick above, is an especially huge douchebag to her, earning him the right to make out w her and probably squeeze her ass off-camera.

7/10 because if you can get me into a misogynistic musical, then anything is possible.

Phantom Love is a 2007 Nina Menkes surreal drama about a woman trapped inside herself.

when i read “surreal” in the synopsis before pressing play, i didn’t think about the deterioration of the English language. i didn’t think twice that “awesome” and “trippy” and “weird” and “crazy” and “intense” don’t mean anything anymore because everything is awesome, trippy, weird, crazy, and intense. and surreal, i guess. all life is surreal.

8/10 because this film is for real actually fucking surreal. sex scenes like a choo-choo train, ending like a liberation.

The Idle Class is a 1921 American silent film written and directed by Charlie Chaplin. it was my first time w the Tramp.

this movie’s so old it doesn’t have a poster. it’s so silent that there’s music and the occasional screen-printed dialogue so we have some sort of inkling about what the hell is going on. whether you enjoy what’s going on or not, you’ll be laughing.

7/10 because just look at that face.

The Wasp Woman is a 1959 Roger Corman science fiction horror film.

the above image gives nothing and everything away. but really, it has the best plot line ever: “A cosmetics queen develops a youth formula from jelly taken from queen wasps. She fails to anticipate the typical hoary side-effects.” of course. naturally. totally did not rip off The Fly (released in 1958). at all.

5/10 because i liked it.

Singularidades de uma Rapariga Loura (Portuguese for Eccentricities of a Blonde-Haired Girl) is a 2009 Portuguese film directed by Manoel de Oliveira.

a man falls stupidly in love w a young woman. two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back… this is how he nears her heart, his happiness. in the end, he discovers his stupidity, she is left as above.

7/10 because of well-framed shots, true mystery, and a harpist.

Offret (Swedish for The Sacrifice) is a 1986 film and the final from Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky, who died shortly after completing it. here is the synopsis according to the Cannes website:

I wanted to show that one can resume life by restoring the union with oneself and by discovering a spiritual source. And to acquire this kind of moral autonomy, where ones ceases to consider solely the material values, where one escapes from being the subject article of experimentation between the hands of society- a way- among others- is having the capacity to offer oneself in sacrifice.

the shots in the movie, every single one of them a stunning portrait or landscape, are long. really really long. the opening, post-credits shot lasts nine minutes and twenty-six seconds, the longest in all of Tarkovsky’s work. in total, there are 115 shots in the entire film. the entire 149 minute film.

in the first shot, Alexander, the father, “plants” a dead tree by offering it support from rocks, and instructs his boy, throughout the movie referred to as “Little Man,” to water it every single day. a monk did this once, and the tree blossomed. in the final three shots, a beautiful house burns down, the boy begins to water the tree, and Maria, a maid, bicycles her windy way into the distance.

8/10 because, i mean, holy shit. holy fucking shit. Continue reading

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Facebook fun

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