Monthly Archives: December 2010

re: Confusion will be my epitaph

Continue reading

Posted in dear diary, poetry of the universe | Leave a comment

things going

things going shitty:

  • once again, i owe my parents over $500. last time was for an over-indulgent trip to Japan (money well-spent), this time is for careless treatment of car keys (there goes a work week).
  • my computer’s hard drive only has 15 free GB, probably a few GB fewer than needed for optimal performance.
  • i still have two pieces to write before it’s officially the weekend.
  • i’ve barely done any Solstice shopping.
  • my eyes are still fucked up.
  • there are two lingering mini-monster dreads affixed to my head.

things going well:

  • i’ve decreased my credit card debt to under $850 for the first time since god knows when.
  • What.CD freeleech this week marking the site’s one millionth torrent. i’m especially enjoying Mavis Staples’ You Are Not Alone (sexy soul) and AfroCubism’ self-titled (Buena Vista Social Club meets Mali).
  • i’m doing one of my favorite things ever: downloading a massive motherfucking torrent: Domenico Scarlatti’s complete sonatas (all 555) performed by Pieter Jan Belder (3.8 GB).
  • my computer works mostly well most of the time.
  • i’m listening to post-rock (Mono’s You Are There).
  • i have clean sheets and pillow cases, and they are nicely-colored.
  • my laundry hamper is empty.
  • tomorrow, i’m getting (Mexican?) hot chocolate with a cute girl named Melissa that i drunkenly flirted with over three weeks ago at the bar where she works in the Mission.
  • my eyes might be finally actually hopefully maybe a little bit getting better. possibly.
  • Meryl and i (but mostly Meryl) cut the dreads in my hair down to size.

Continue reading

Posted in dear diary | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Confusion will be my epitaph

no, i didn’t see the lunar eclipse. yes, i still love Space. no, i don’t have an excuse, yes, i was just sitting inside a warm suburban home, probably doing nothing more than staring at a computer screen and listening to Music. no, i don’t regret it. yes, i’m lame.

lots of people (maybe two) were shocked to find out that i didn’t catch the solsteclipse that happened the other night, i guess because it’s well known that i am fond of looking at the stars and thinking about the stars and talking about the stars, all while starry-eyed and stupefied. i guess i fucked up.

this week has just kind of sucked.

after arriving home from New Yorksey on sunday night, i had to return straight to work, which was no fun. it’s a lot easier to work when you know that right when you finish you have a pretty girl to kiss and eat with and poke and engulf under piles of warm blankets. now that that’s gone, it’s just like: work, then sleep. awake, fall back asleep disappointed, awake a nervous wreck for sleeping in, work, eat, work, eat, work, eat, attack hair, clean clothes, clean dishes, clean self, eat, work, then sleep. it doesn’t help that my boss really disappointed me by not giving me this and next Friday off. we get like maybe nine holidays for the whole year, just the basic federal holidays, and when they fall on a saturday or sunday, they’re supposed to default either friday or monday. both Christmas and New Years fall on saturday this year; my gift? a “half day” on the next two fridays. i didn’t complain, because it won’t cost me too much time or effort, but it’s kind of the principle. a week ago, she was saying, “you gotta be loyal!” but i’m not sure i care to be at this point.

i don’t mean to sound like a gloomy, entitled asshole. i love my life. i’m so grateful for my job. i’m so happy to have two amazing parents, who have no problem with me lingering at home beyond graduation. i’m really excited that Danny’s bringing me a footlong meatball sandwich with everything on it from Subway right now, even though i already ate a pb&j sandwich, jack cheese, beef ramen, a tuna sandwich, two pop tarts, and lucky charms today.

holidays every day.

Super Solstice, merry christmas, happy holidays, season’s greetings, Enjoy Your Rabbit.
Everything, God, Universe, Nature, the Force.
you, me, yes, no, i, don’t, know.

it’s funny how people can have such heated arguments about words, when it seems like they’re all talking about the same thing. like the yearly THIS IS A WAR ON CHRISTMAS outcries that go out, in the face of retail stores switching from the traditional “merry christmas” to “happy holidays.” how dare commercial establishments commercialize the holidays? how dare my fellow man forget that christmas is really about Jesus Christ, our lord and savior? well, it’s not.

from Wikipedia:

A winter festival was the most popular festival of the year in many cultures. Reasons included the fact that less agricultural work needs to be done during the winter, as well as an expectation of better weather as spring approached. Modern Christmas customs include: gift-giving and merrymaking from Roman Saturnalia; greenery, lights, and charity from the Roman New Year; and Yule logs and various foods from Germanic feasts. Pagan Scandinavia celebrated a winter festival called Yule, held in the late December to early January period.

people just like partying, and what better time than when it’s cold and shitty out? when we party, we drink a lot and dance around and probably hook up with randos, making it warm and cozy all of a sudden. the holidays are beautiful and a bearded man with some idealistic and rehashed (though very good) ideas two millennia ago had nothing to do with it.

i don’t really mean to just attack christians and christmas, even though it’s really fucking easy and really fucking fun. scientists, professors, (self-declared) rational thinkers, and other super cool people make ridiculous linguistic mistakes and assumptions all the time. think about the question “do you believe in God?” anyone who answers that question with a “yes” or “no” without any explanation is a fucking piece of shit. what the fuck is God? so many possibilities for such a tiny little word.

the fact that some people actually believe in a cosmically bearded man that controls, guides, or at the very least gives even a tiny shit about human activity in this world–and the fact that we can’t immediately distinguish these people from other morons that say “yes, i believe in God”–really scares the crap out of me. what scares me even more is that people are so quick to answer in the negative. are you so sure?

let’s look at some definitions. i’m using, unfortunately, it’s all i got. here are the first seven definitions for “God”:

1. the one Supreme Being, the creator and ruler of the universe.
2. the Supreme Being considered with reference to a particular attribute: the God of Islam.
3. ( lowercase ) one of several deities, esp. a male deity, presiding over some portion of worldly affairs.
4. ( often lowercase ) a supreme being according to some particular conception: the god of mercy.
5. Christian Science . the Supreme Being, understood as Life, Truth, love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Principle.
6. ( lowercase ) an image of a deity; an idol.
7. ( lowercase ) any deified person or object.

ok, a lot of these just say “deity,” which is kind of like defining “gray” as “grey,” but we do get something from the others: “supreme being.” let’s keep going with this.

“supreme” is an adjective:

1. highest in rank or authority; paramount; sovereign; chief.
2. of the highest quality, degree, character, importance, etc.: supreme courage.
3. greatest, utmost, or extreme: supreme disgust.
4. last or final; ultimate.

pretty straightforward, i’d say. thankfully, “being” is a noun:

1. the fact of existing; existence (as opposed to nonexistence).
2. conscious, mortal existence; life: Our being is as an instantaneous flash of light in the midst of eternal night.
3. substance or nature: of such a being as to arouse fear.
4. something that exists: inanimate beings.
5. a living thing: strange, exotic beings that live in the depths of the sea.
6. a human being; person: the most beautiful being you could imagine.
7. ( initial capital letter ) God.

definition seven ain’t helping nobody. even if we cut that one out, this is where all the Confusion comes. look at the three phrases i’ve bolded. if we append “supreme” to each of those, we get a different definition of “God” each time.

a supreme something that exists? i’m pretty sure that at least nine in 10 people could agree that “the universe” is the paramount, sovereign, chief, greatest, ultimate something that exists. (i have absolutely zero desire to get steeped in a conversation about whether any of this exists.) most people tend to agree that all of this is actually here and happening, so why aren’t we all saying, “yes, i believe in god.” it’s those other fucking definitions of “being,” that’s why.

a supreme living thing? i’ll cast my vote for the blue whale. or the sun. how the fuck do you define life, anyway? (i’m almost as little inclined to venture down that path as i am to discuss the possibility of the universe not actually existing.) this is probably what a lot of people are thinking about when they’re asked whether they believe in God. but do even monotheists think of God as a living thing? maybe.

a supreme human being? besides me? well, Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven are all dead, unfortunately. weren’t supreme enough, i suppose. this is where many Christians would be proud to proclaim, “yes! i believe in the supremo human burrito, Jesus Himself!” that’s all well and good, but what about his “Father”? who or what is that guy? another supreme human thing? a supreme living being? a supreme oh god i’m done. Continue reading

Posted in dear diary | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment


Continue reading

Posted in dear diary, poetry of the mind | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

possible reasons i got an ocular migraine today

reverse chronological

Dr. Lektroluv.
Charlie Brown Christmas.
linguine with white sauce, salmon, and parmesan cheese.
Italian-style cheesecake.
pb&j on oatnut bread.
tortilla chips with salsa and a little nacho sauce.
couple shitty sugar cookies.
Lucky Charms.

burrito (El Faro?). Continue reading

Posted in dear diary | Leave a comment

1 Love Song

shoving Chopin down my throat like it’s absinthe, Force
feeding cocaine tubular into my super sorcerer
stoned crane throat soaked with the sound of a million
confused souls arching
for a heaven once living,
for a heaven worth having, once dreamed, now
bereaved, as magically alive
as the stuffed grizzly bears and clay
maybe shunned jellyfish in the Museum of Natural
History: you and me, i’m not
trying to write music as sad, solemn
and extreme as 24 Preludes killed
in 35 minutes and 45 seconds, so just come sit with me
and dream again of being in key,
nothing major. Continue reading

Posted in dear diary, poetry of the mind | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Immortals by Herman Hesse

Ever reeking from the vales of earth
Ascends to us life’s fevered surge,
Wealth’s excess, the rage of dearth,
Smoke of death meals on the gallow’s verge;
Greed without end, imprisoned air;
Murderers’ hands, usurers’ hands, hands of prayer;
Exhales in foetid breath the human swarm
Whipped on by fear and lust, blood raw, blood warm,
Breathing blessedness and savage heats,
Eating itself and spewing what it eats,
Hatching war and lovely art,
Decking out with idiot craze
Bawdy houses while they blaze,
Through the childish fair-time mart
Weltering to its own decay
In the glare of pleasure’s way,
Rising for each newborn and then
Sinking for each to dust again.

But we above you ever more residing
In the ether’s star translumined ice
Know not day nor night nor time’s dividing,
Wear nor age nor sex for our device.
All your sins and anguish self-affrighting,
Your murders and lascivious delighting
Are to us but as a show
Like the suns that circling go,
Changing not our day for night;
On your frenzied life we spy,
And refresh ourselves thereafter
With the stars in order fleeing;
Our breath is winter; in our sight
Fawns the dragon of the sky;
Cool and unchanging is our eternal being,
Cool and star bright is our eternal laughter. Continue reading

Posted in poetry of the universe | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When an amoeba divides, does it cease to exist?

“Nothing ceases to exist”
“It turns into ants and crawls in your pants and you dance!! Where do you stand in relation to the potato:-):-):-)”
“I think continuous experience of consciousness is a good identity metric, not sure amoebas got it so, strictly yes, practically no.”
“No. It’s more amoebas.”
“That depends. Did it ever?”
“it’s like me and elise!!!” Continue reading

Posted in dear diary | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment