Monthly Archives: November 2010

Black Friday

the good news: i got my brain scanned today for $100.
the bad news: i lost my car keys.
the really good news: i’m flying East to see Merylisk (not for work).

i’m sitting in a bar in San Francisco right now, sipping Racer 5, avoiding that 1am i have to publish, digesting about six pieces of steak four cups of rice and two slices of cherry pie, trying to hang out with Alicia and failing because i’m too transparently self-deprecating just because i’m fucking stupid and lazy for not leaving those fucking keys in my back pocket like always–ass comfort be damned–instead of in my stupid fucking coat pocket.

so fucking stupid. all weekend, i’ve been wondering who the fuck is an asshole enough to steal a stupid motherfucking Banana Republic coat from a bar with a $5 cover. no wallet in the coat. just my car keys. granted, their keys to a Porsche, but don’t you think the asshole thief would have the fucking decency to return the fucking keys to the bar once he walked all around the Mission and found no such car to match the keys? fucking piece of shit.

then i remember: Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady stole coats to make money. fucking Jack Kerouac stole my coat and he’s going to sell it so he can make it as far as Tennessee maybe, but if Neal Cassady had been with him, they would have scrambled all over the whole goddamn city in search of my car. and when the sun started coming up and their drunkenness started wearing off, one of them would have “accidentally” tossed the keys into the bay out of pure frustration, not even recalling where the keys came from.

Jack Kerouac, Buddhist Thief. Augustine of Hippo, Christian Scholar. ronny, Pantheist Lover.

i lost my car keys, but i met a cute girl. ironically enough, she was the coat check girl. i was dancing with everyone–Christian, Erin, Chris, Alejandro, Tania, all the cousins, everyone–and after trading some smiles with some blonde girl, i started noticing some girl in the corner of the bar. she was acting really weirdly, kept getting out of her chair, pacing around, sitting down, getting back up, she looked really antsy, like she was waiting for someone. so i did nothing. but after waiting a little while, which in my drunkenness might have been either 30 seconds or 30 minutes, i decided to go say hi to her. turns out she wasn’t waiting for anyone, she was just tired. she claimed to have been up for 48 hours. still, i wanted to know why she wasn’t dancing, and i think she asked, “are you drunk?” not sure why that was a question (i didn’t even notice until a little bit later that the table she was sitting at had a little sign that advertised $2 coat checks, alongside a tip jar with $1 in it [to match the one coat in the closet]). no wonder she wasn’t dancing. no matter, i got her dancing. we tried some ballroom dancing and some salsa dancing and even some experimental head banging i-don’t-know-how-to-dance dancing. her name’s Melissa and i think she’s rad, i hope we hang out soon.

BUT THAT DOES NOT MATTER
WHAT MATTERS NOW:
1. my super cool friend Taryne thinks getting replacement keys for my car will only cost $50, in spite of how RARE my PORSCHE 924 might be.
2. ???
3. Merylisk Continue reading

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possible reasons i got an ocular migraine today

a few stale saltines.
one Märzen / Oktoberfest beer.
two pieces of sausage, garlic, and mushroom pizza. maybe three.
leftover Thanksgiving dinner.
lots of Kanye.
lots of loud drumming.

a half bottle of champagne. Continue reading

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Would you rather have infinite knowledge or infinite pizza?

–Neither
–Knowledge, because then I can build a replicator and get infinite pizza anyway
–Pizza knowledge
–Neither. Infinite knowledge would drive any one insane. And I’m already crazy enough.And while I like pizza- I’m not fond enough to want such a thing Infinitely
–My family concludes pizza because by the law of spiderman, infinite knowledge = infinite responsibility.
–Infinitive pizza of course. I already have infinitive knowledge ha!
–That’s tough….. I like pizza and being a smart prick Continue reading

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Yeezy taught me

chocolate ice cream amazing.

beautiful dark twisted fantasy perfect Michael Jackson 10.0 fucking ridiculous that crack music nigga that real black music nigga hype no more drugs for me pussy and religion is all i need gorgeous power kingly music and lights monster appalled evil runaway hell game lost madness racist rude oh my god baby you done took this shit to a whole motherfucking nother level goddamn goddamn Cirque du Soleil pussy i thank you my dick thanks you Richard D. James would be proud. i think.

STARRING:
Aretha Franklin
Aphex Twin
Bill Withers
Curtis Mayfield
Daft Punk
Elton John
Gil Scott-Heron
Hank Crawford
King Crimson
Luther Vandross
Michael Jackson
Ray Charles
Rick James
Smokey Robinson

try this:

they used to do this two years ago. they used to do this twenty years ago.

Continue reading

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the end is nigh

last time i wrote was november 12. today is november 21. things that i have done in the last nine days:

–partied in the city with my big bro and cuz
–jammed with Chris and Alan
–hot tubbed it up
–jammed with Chris
–attended one world-famous tech conference and spoke on a panel at one no one’s ever heard of
–attended a super exclusive private post-tech event party at Mezzanine, networked, and got drunk happy
–met a cool video company at my own company’s pseudo-office in the Presidio
–walked Barley
–number eight (via bubbles)
–walked Barley
–jammed with Chris
–walked Barley
–made a list of my favorite new albums and singles from the last year (half of the 40 are from the past decade)

Quicksilver Messenger Service – Happy Trails (1969)

The Free Design – Sing for Very Important People (1970)
Fela Kuti –
Gentleman (1973)
Donna Summer –
Love to Love You Baby (1975)
Fela Kuti –
Confusion (1975)
Fela Kuti –
Zombie (1977)
Donna Summer –
I Feel Love (1977)
Boney M. –
Rasputin (1978)

Carly Simon – Why (1982)
Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five –
The Message (1982)
The Toyes –
Smoke Two Joints (1983)
Spacemen 3 –
Walkin’ with Jesus (1986)
Talk Talk –
Spirit of Eden (1988)
The Vaselines –
Dying for It (1988)

Spacemen 3 – Dreamweapon (1990)
Gas –
Gas (1996)
Spiritualized –
Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space (1997)
Fly Pan Am –
Fly Pan Am (1999)

The Strokes – Is This It (2001)
Ricardo Villalobos –
Alcachofa (2003)
Spacemen 3 –
Taking Drugs to Make Music to Take Drugs To (2003)
Kanye West –
The College Dropout (2004)
Boards of Canada –
The Campfire Headphase (2005)
Caribou –
The Milk of Human Kindness (2005)
Thieves Like Us –
Drugs in My Body (2005)
Woods –
How to Survive In/In the Woods (2005)
Entrance –
Prayer of Death (2006)
Flying Lotus –
1983 (2006)
Flying Lotus –
Reset (2007)
LCD Soundsystem –
Sound of Silver (2007)
Caspa & Rusko –
FabricLive.37 (2007)
Four Tet –
Love Cry (2009)
Beach House –
Teen Dream (2010)
Kanye West –
VH1 Storytellers (2010)
LCD Soundsystem –
This is Happening (2010)
Matthew Dear –
Black City (2010)
Panda Bear –
Tomboy (2010)
Sufjan Stevens –
All Delighted People (2010)
Panda Bear –
Drone (2010)
Kanye West –
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (2010)

try to guess which will make my TOP TOP TOP list to be published sometime in the month of december!

look! Wikipedia wrote poetry:

…While plasma seepage from vaginal walls due to vascular engorgement is considered to be the chief lubrication source, the Bartholin’s glands, located slightly below and to the left and right of the introitus (opening of the vagina), also secrete mucus to augment vaginal-wall secretions…

look! a man of peace wrote poetry:

…I went to the farm thursday and fell in love with it. mostly because the people that were there were/are so awesome, friendly, down to earth…

look! a girl of love wrote poetry:

I love you i love you LOVElovelove you times infinity. you’re a whirlpool of curls! Also known as a curlpool, and i’m a girlpool of whirls

me? i wrote nothing. Continue reading

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possible reasons i got an ocular migraine today

salmon and eggs.
three PBRs.
Thee Oh Sees.
three waters.
ribs and mashed potatoes.
very little sleep.
plain bagel with the cream cheese.
migraine. Continue reading

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Thee Oh Sees

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337

according to Facebook, i’m married to a French girl named Victory.
according to Facebook, i’m a red-headed fox from Austin, Texas.
not according to Facebook, tonight i went out to see the San Francisco Opera perform The Makropulos Case, Czech composer Leoš Janáček’s penultimate opera, with a beautiful Austin girl i don’t even know the name of.

girl, if you ever see this post, anytime in the future, forgive me. i am the worst human being you will ever meet in the entire world (at remembering names) and i was too weak to ask you a fourth time in a week what your name was. please forgive me or punch me in the face, whichever works best. and then let’s move on. you’re awesome and words that we say to get each other’s attention don’t matter that much anyway.

love love love love. Continue reading

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commatose (adj.)

of or in a state of deep unconsciousness for a pause.

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Untitled

i just poured myself a glass of seven-year-old Flor de Caña and coke, i’m listening to Aphex Twin’s Selected Ambient Work Volume II in V0, and the San Francisco Giants just clinched the 2010 World Series. i feel good.

figures we win the year i actually get into it. just kidding. maybe.

no but really, sports? what the fuck? i told aerienne the other day and she just stared at me through the Skype screen like she didn’t know who i was. Meryl hardly acknowledges it, like it’s a joke. Allison thinks it’s hilarious but loves it. my family just goes along with it, they’re probably just a little bit relieved and a big bit delighted. as for myself, i don’t even feel like myself when i give a fuck about a game, but i’m not bullshitting my friends or my family or myself. i really give a fuck. i really felt let down those (what, two? three times?) we lost some playoff games. i really felt a mini-orgasm every time Lincecum or Cain sank their gorgeous little pitches into Posey’s glove. i really felt a rush of adrenaline when Renteria hit that 3-run homer to seal the deal in Game 5. this shit is legitimately fun.

the truth is, it started before MLB playoffs. it started over the summer with the World Cup. let me try to remember… i was on break from work, i believe, the United States was actually winning some games, and i actually managed to wake myself at 7 in the morning to watch the fuckers kick the little ball around the field. i convinced myself then that soccer was easily my favorite sport. it’s big all-around: massive field, giant goals, kickable ball, two epic halves in time, no bullshit, red card and you’re out, every goal is a galaxy of chance, everything matters, beautiful, beautiful sport.

but now i feel it with baseball too. it’s like chess or war. i’m a fool so there’s still a lot i don’t know, but here’s how it is in the playoffs. you win three series in a row and you win the championship. each series is a best of seven games. every game has nine innings, a top and bottom, each a chance for each team to score. pitchers lead the charge, the game is in their hands. don’t let the opposing teams even get a sliver of wood on the balls you’re throwing and you don’t have to worry about a thing. and that’s what the Giants did. Lincecum, Cain, Sanchez, Bumgarner–these guys fucking owned because they made the Braves, Phillies, and Rangers, all in a row, swing at nothing, swing at the dirt, swing at the stars swirling in front of their dumbfounded faces. ah, but your starting pitcher gets tired, so you have a whole bullpen of closing pitchers waiting, just waiting for a chance to throw one, two, three outs, whatever they can, just enough to keep the score right where you want it, with you in the lead and the other team in the dumps. when the other team scores, it feels like a knife in your chest not just because they scored, but because they feel so good about it they can just keep going on scoring. when your team scores, it is sex. it is a big fuck you to the world, can’t nobody hold me down, oh no, just keep the bases moving.

i wish we had played the fucking yankees.

Nicaraguan rum is the best. San Francisco Bay is the best. Aphex Twin is the best. Kaiser is the best, Frisco is the best. black Levi’s are the best. girls are the best, but i’m glad to be a boy. headphones are the best, giant motherfucking speakers with a swimming pool for a subwoofer are the best. sex is the best. computers are the best. the Internet is the best. space is the best. long, hot showers are the best. psychedelic mushrooms are the best. long hair is the best. life is the best. Continue reading

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